New Kat. Old Tricks.

Bar Name – Kit-Kat

Price of Beer - Rs.190

Location – Opp. Metro Adlabs, Marine Lines, Mumbai

Size of the Bar – Large

Place Availability – Relatively easy to get a table

Ambience – It's brand new but also extremely plain

Unique Plus Point – Bang opposite a movie theater

Rating – 3 out of 5 Beers

(Pictured: The Other Kit-Kat)

The single most dangerous staircase I have ever encountered in my life has finally been demolished. And now, I really kind of miss it. It’s odd that I should though, considering it made several attempts to murder me. The damn thing has entire steps missing. Which doesn’t sound terrible, but it is when you’re three drinks down. It’s been replaced by a much more ‘complete’ staircase in a bar that replaces one of the coolest joints in the city, a place filled with character, style and flaws. The old Kit Kat.

Now of course, Kit Kat, bang across from Metro Adlabs, is one of many. Just a template bar, that serves people who don’t particularly care for all the things that made the old place what it was. They care about functional air-conditioning, waiters that actually serve what you ordered, a TV that’s been manufactured post-1985 and a staircase that works as advertised. They wouldn’t like the old Kit Kat. They’d think it smelled funny (possibly asbestos, I should see a doctor), they’d think the deep blue, near-Cubano style interiors looked dingy and the pillars were just unneeded. But that place was amazing! One of those bars that you never even had to keep a secret, on paper it was honestly that terrible.  But if you sat down and had a drink there, you’d get it. You’d probably never come back on account of the non-existent food menu, the prices and the fact that it promptly shut down at 11, but you’d get it.

But enough nostalgia, what’s the new joint like? Well, as I said before, it’s like everything else.

Expect the typical formica that you’d see literally everywhere, the same prices and even the same waiters. Honestly, if you’re a Sunlight regular, they literally have the same waiters. Mainly because it’s owned by the same dudes who brought you that bastion for binge drinking Xavierite’s. It has a regular section down below, an AC section upstairs and another smoking section, which for some god forsaken reason insists on playing music loud enough to cause resident complaints in Khar (Ha ha). No, but seriously it’s stupid loud!

They have a big LCD TV that’s been religiously airing the Kabbadi league and thankfully, outside of the smoking section, the place is proper quiet. Good for conversation and the AC section sports a diverse enough crowd, so the ladies seem welcome. The food and the drinks are direct pick-ups from Sunlight, though I’m pretty sure the food here is better. Maybe it’s a mental thing because this place has actual lighting and not just one bulb in the corner.

(*Seriously, how the hell do you Xavierites drink there? Leave me a comment)

The drinks are perfectly priced and the service is properly good.

Ok. Now that the staple fare is out of the way, let’s get down to the main reason you should be going to this bar, which incidentally is the only reason I go to this bar. Because Metro Adlabs is literally 50 feet away!

Have you ever watched a movie whilst blitz-out drunk? No? You’re missing something there, champ. Missing something real good! 

Watering holes and all-veg wonderlands!

Bar Name – New Punjab

Price of Beer - Rs.180

Location – King’s Circle, Matunga, opp. Cafe Madras

Size of the Bar – Medium

Place Availability – Relatively easy to get a table.

Ambience – No music. No frills. But everything is brand new!

Unique Plus Point – Great food and an off-beat location.

Rating – 3.5 out of 5 Beers

You wouldn’t readily think of King's Circle, Matunga as an excellent place to go grab a drink. It’s pretty much all-veg, has a softee joint, 4 well established udipis, a balloon vendor and the sort of crowd most readily associated with a trip to Vaishno Devi.

Disclosure: I’ve never actually been to Vaishno Devi.

But, lo and behold, it is! Thanks in entirety to New Punjab. The latest cheap bar to succumb to a trend I like to call Air-conditionization.

It’s fully redecorated in the sort of colours and fabrics that seem ubiquitous in all cheap bar renovations. AB’s at Mahim is almost identical, down to the lighting and laminate, however New Punjab retains a bit of its hardcore roots by not plastering the walls with rip-off Mondy’s artwork. (More on that in a full AB’s review)

Instead, this bar still hosts a few cracks in the wall, has a sort-of dingy loo and even has that most misleading of cheap bar enclosures – A Family Room.

Yup, this place stays true to its roots, right down to the pricing. A quarter of Old Monk will only set you back about Rs.190 and a beer is in about that same price range. The service was surprisingly fast for a rather busy Saturday and place was also easy to find. Maybe it’s the location but I don’t ever see this joint having a line out the door. It’s just that it should though. Because even if the cheap booze doesn’t flick your switch, (which counts as blasphemy on this here blog) the food most definitely will. Try the chicken tikka or in fact anything on the Indian menu and you should be pretty happy with the results.

There’s no music playing but the TV does hum out at a low, mostly non-existent volume. Don’t expect to watch a football match here. It’s a steady, visual diet of 9XM from what I could see.

Finally, is it cool for girls?  Well, while I was there we did see a bunch of kids getting pre-gamed for a night on the town. But suffice to say, the other patrons clearly didn’t react to this as if it were a regular occurrence. But there is ‘A Family Room’, so there’s always that.

The Cheap Bar That Was...

Bar Name – Ambience - The ‘Dining’ Bar

Price of Beer - Rs. 210 for a Kingfisher bottle

Location – Lower Parel, Next to Peninsula Business Park

Size of the Bar – Medium

Place Availability – Insanely difficult to get a table. Forget this place on a Friday/Wednesday night.

Ambience – Faux classy joint with Bob Marley posters on the wall. (Barf!)

Unique Plus Point – Projector screen for cricket matches and a good, media-centric crowd

Rating – 4 out of 5 Beers

The mini-review may just give you the impression that I like this joint. But I do not! In fact I hate it. Because this bar is a sell-out!

Let me take you back in time, to an era when there was no additional tax on booze and people could smoke wherever the hell they felt like and sometimes, just sometimes, you could drink without the fear of getting beaten up by cops.

Yes, it was a good time and shockingly it was only about 5 years ago. I was in college and when I wasn’t drinking them down at York’s (review coming soon) I’d make my way over to Lower Parel for an awesomely inexpensive drink in a rather dingy old joint.

This joint was called Ambience, unrecognizable to those who’ve only seen it for the past few years. The paint was chipping off the walls, there was no retarded pop music and the booze was oh so cheap. Even with the new taxes and adjusting for inflation, a bottle of beer there would cost you Rs.150, no more. But it wasn’t just about the money. Ambience had character back then; it was a media bar, and the kind of media bar that real media people crave - dark, quiet, cheap and completely devoid of pretentious shit.

I miss that bar, because this new one is just a shell. It’s an exterior, painted shiny with some chrome put on to attract people who like that sort of thing. It’s the quintessential sell-out.

None the less, I shall stay objective in my mini-review of this joint and give it 4 beers. Primarily because of the food, comfortable seats and awesome service. Go. Have fun. I hate you all. 

Ghetto-tastic!

Bar Name – Ghetto/The Food Court

Price of Beer - Rs.180

Location – Mahalakshmi, right next to the temple

Size of the Bar – Large

Place Availability – Tough

Ambience – Two separate bars. One has classic rock playing and graffiti on the walls, whilst the other is your typical air conditioned cheap bar

Unique Plus Point – 2 bars in 1

Rating – 4 out of 5 Beers

There’s always 'that' girl. Everyone knows a girl like that. She’s not much to look at and not very cool at all, but for some reason she’s insanely popular. And she’s popular with all the right kind of people. This is beyond your understanding, why, why is she cool?

And then one day you meet her and it hits you. It’s because she has serious personality. And a ridiculously hot sister.

In a metaphor, that is exactly what Ghetto is to me.

All my friends have gone to Ghetto, my older sister has gone to Ghetto, bet my dad was in there at some freaking point. But I’ve never, ever, had even the slightest desire to venture in. Cause I never got the appeal.

Bars speak to me. Right from the door and the signboard I can tell if this is going to be an interesting joint or a snooze fest with chewy crispy chicken. And Ghetto never did. I don’t know why, but it didn’t.

But recently, a friend from office said ‘hey, let’s go to Ghetto.’ To which I replied, ‘Sure, I don’t have shit else to do tonight!’ And thus, it began.

Downstairs is the proper Ghetto, with loud music, usually classic rock, pool tables and graffiti like it just popped out of a stereotypical skate movie. It’s excellent and not unreasonably expensive, but as my avid readers (hi Sis) will know, I don’t like that kind of place.

My kinda place is upstairs, where the booze is served in quarters and the chicken comes in 17 different varieties of schezwan sauce. It’s called the Food Court (I’m not making this up) and it’s the hot sister I was talking about.

Air conditioned, good food, rather cheap. And the crowd is usually overflow from the Ghetto. Girls are numerous as are cool folk. It’s also bright and a generally happy place, if slightly devoid of charming wear and tear.

They work best as a combination. A beer here, a quarter there and you’ve had a damn good time for yourself.  

Drinking on the streets!

Bar Name – Harvic Bar and Restaurant

Price of Beer - Rs. 110 for LP

Location – Metro, right opposite Metro Cafe and Metro Adlabs

Size of the Bar – Small

Place Availability – Easy to get a table. The place is almost always empty

Ambience – Typical Irani joint, old man at the counter included. It’s also pretty quiet except for the TV which, for some reason, is always playing CID.

Unique Plus Point – Nothing in particular

Rating – 3 out of 5 Beers

You remember those scenes in American movies where the hero or heroine is sitting at a fancy little bistro in Italy that’s right on the street. And then a Ferrari drives by like an inch away.  Yes, Harvic is exactly like that. Except that it’s not fancy, nor is it a bistro. And it’s definitely not Italian. Also, you should probably replace the Ferrari with a taxi that has that freakish neon tube light inside it. But it is, almost, right on the street!

Ok I’m exaggerating a little, but that’s only because I’m a little smitten with this place. And once you get there you’ll understand. Just park yourself on the table right by the door, which is literally three feet from the streets of Metro, look up at the old wood railings and order a 100 odd rupee bottle of London Pilsner. Yup, you’ll see why.

Located right opposite the unimaginatively named Cafe Metro, this little spot is quite the old-school beer bar. Yes, beer is the only thing you’ll find on the menu here and there won’t be a wide variety of it. Also, there’s almost no food, except for packets of the usual chakna fare. This means that spending the entire weekend here is out of the question. As is surviving the zombie apocalypse.

So yes, sparing in what it serves and a little bit tiny, but overflowing with character. If you like old-school Irani joints like Churchgate and Oval, you will absolutely love this place.

All good things…

Bar Name – Quarter Pillar

Price of Beer - Rs.200

Location – Right next to Khar Station and 3 Wise Monkeys

Size of the Bar – Medium

Place Availability – Gets pretty packed so get there early!

Ambience – There's always your typical edm/rock/pop playing and there's a giant screen. There's an AC section and a pretty comfortable smoking section outside. 

Unique Plus Point – Open very late!

Rating – 4 out of 5 Beers

I usually get very, very upset when someone shuts down a bar I like. Bounce, opposite Mini Punjab, for example. They replaced it with some random Pan Asian crap.

Even now, when I walk past Nom Nom or whatever that shithole is called, I glare at it, give the security guard the stink eye and play Eric Carmen’s All By Myself at full volume on my boom box.

The same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. There was a lovely little joint called Samrat Bar in Khar, right outside Khar station. It wasn’t a great bar, it had decent food and it was cheap. But I’ll tell you what it did have. It had a god damn PALM READER!

Right there. In the bar. He sat there and if you gave him some cash he’d read your freaking palm.

It was amazing! How often do you find a bar with a built-in palm reader. It was great!

So of course they shut that shit down!  

But when I saw what came up in its place, I was not angry. Instead, I was happy as shit.

It’s called Quarter Pillar and its punny name tells you everything you need to know. It’s fun and it serves by the quarter.

It’s got a giant screen that usually plays big matches, it’s got reasonable prices that ensure you get properly wasted and it’s got some really good food (The reshmi chicken that comes wrapped in a sort of omelette is reminiscent of old school Gokul!)

Yes, of course, the palm reader is gone but he’s been replaced by really good service and a bar that’s open to the wee hours. 3 am if you’re lucky.

The location is also amazing! Right next to 3 Wise Monkeys and a couple of other yuppy joints, it gives you the option to pre-drink and then bar hop. This also ensures that the crowd you usually see here is pretty alright.

In a word, it’s fantastic. 

Photo Courtesy: Twitter - @QuarterPillar

Of booze and bad, bad moods!

Bar Name – Booze on Moods

Price of Beer - Rs.200

Location – Next to Peninsula Business Park, Lower Parel

Size of the Bar – Medium

Place Availability – Gets tough on Wednesdays and Fridays. But you'll get one.

Ambience – Couple of TV’s and your typical 90’s pop playlist.

Unique Plus Point – Nothing in particular.

Rating – 2 out of 5 Beers

If you’ve ever lived or worked in Lower Parel, then you’ve suffered the agony of having to wait outside Ambience for a table. It takes half a lifetime and sometimes doesn’t even happen. Ambience is awesome and so of course, everyone wants to go there.

Now while you wait in that line, I’m sure you’ve often thought, maybe there should be another bar, another place like Ambience in Lower Parel, so I wouldn’t have to wait out here on the street like an animal.

Well, for the past year or so, there has been another place. Another ambience if you will. It’s called Booze on Moods and for many, many reasons, it’s a terrible place.

Walk in there, go ahead, just to challenge yourself if for no other reason. Sit yourself down and take a gander at their menu. Better, more kvlt copy I have not read in my lifetime.

Once you’ve stopped laughing uncontrollably and your breathing has returned to normal, place an order. The service will oscillate between disinterested and utterly incompetent.

Once the rage has dissipated, order some food. This will be the only saving grace of your evening.

Have a listen to the music, which is your typical Bryan Adams somehow flowing seamlessly into Sisqo and Baha Men type playlist.

And then GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

Because every so often, the bar descends into what I like to call the ‘Cheap Bar Orgy’.

This phenomenon occurs when a bunch of ‘not-so-cool’ individuals (That’s putting it mildly) happen to be friends with the owner/manager of the bar. They show up, connect their Nokia 3310’s to the DJ console and begin to play the entire Aashiqui 2 album on loop.

Let me be honest, this can happen in any cheap bar. It starts with one song and a couple of dudes walking in and suddenly the whole place is a fucking shirts optional house party.

But it hasn’t happened to me anywhere else, only at Booze on fucking Moods. Where, while I was enjoying a drink with my friends, the place turned into a mad house. It was not pleasant, it was not fun, it wasn’t even – it’s so bad, it’s good. It was just really, really sad.

Booze on Moods had a chance to do something rather spectacular. They could’ve created a bar that was a genuine option when Ambience gets crowded. That almost guarantees a full house every weekend. But no, instead they’ve chosen to be little more than a poorly managed dive bar with air conditioning and a mark-up.

My advice – shut yourself down and hand over the keys to someone who knows what they’re doing. Like the management at Ambience, perhaps.  

Photo Courtesy: DineOut.co.in